if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
