why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I met the friendliest cop last night
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize