i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
