Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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