I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
