p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So vagazzling was a success
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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