I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
