Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
