im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
