Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
