How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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