This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
