im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
