I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
