Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
