My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
