My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
