I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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