So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
