I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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