why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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