your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
