You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
