you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize