I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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