It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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