Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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