come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
