Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry about my life...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
