I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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