Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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