apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
