forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
