sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
