also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
