Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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