she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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