I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
