You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize