I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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