Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
