Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just gift wrapped bread.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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