Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
