Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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