We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
