Can i not drive my cunt home
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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