Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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