I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
