i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Randomize
