how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
