I can't breathe out the right side of my face
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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