Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize