Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
