i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
