i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
