My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
