For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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